crazywoman

How time flies when you are not having fun but are totally drenched in the misery of your circumstances.  The hubby is still unemployed.  Low and behold…  He is not drinking beer tonight.  Of course I have been in my office for an hour.  That could have changed.

I am so buried in debt. I borrowed money to pay a months mortgage but am thinking very seriously about giving it back to the friend that loaned it to me.

Well I hear him in the kitchen refilling his glass of water so I guess he didn’t make a beer run.  This should be interesting.  How do you go from drinking 12+, probably more like 18+ beers each night to nothing.  I wonder if he will have dt’s.

Anyway… as I said still no job on his end.  Not that he isn’t looking but how much can a person take. Just keep getting deeper and deeper.  I feel sick about it.  I feel like my life is spinning in the orb of bad energy that I can’t get out of.  My life is on hold.  I am paralyzed. How do you move forward without a destination?

I wanted to grow herbs, tomatos and cucumbers, etc. Why bother.. leave them for someone else when you lose your home? Like I said it is paralyzing because any progress to your property or home seems fruitless. 

It isn’t fair. Yes… I know that life isn’t fair.  Give me a break.  I am almost 50.  It hasn’t been easy street but by the time you get to this point you feel that it should be a helluva of a lot easier.  You keep going through all these emotions.  They spin and spin and rotate.  Hate, anger, resentment, regret, sorrow, compassion, hate anger resentment… you get the picture.  I can go through all of them several times a day.

It depends on what is happening.  You know… like him sleeping in until 10 ish. I want to scream…. Then sits on the computer all day looking at jobs and sending resumes.  HELLO….it obviously isn’t working.  When he does get an interview it is for a job he is so over qualified for that I know they won’t  hire him.  Or he gets that job where they know you will make 75k your first year easy.  BUT you get no salary, car allowance or expense and yet you still have to drive over an hour one way to meetings three times a week.  As if I can afford to pay that gas bill.

I bet if anyone reads this they are going to think …. what a grumpy bitch.  I tell you I don’t blame you.  It has been over a year now and I just don’t know how much more I can take.

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